October Begins With a Reminder We Shouldn't Need: Domestic Violence Is Still Happening Behind Closed Doors

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Every year, we see the purple ribbons, awareness walks, social media posts and reminders to look for the warning signs.

But this year, October began with another kind of reminder — one that is much harder to scroll past.

A Woman Is Dead. Her Longtime Partner Is Charged.

In Philadelphia, 48-year-old Maria Pagan was found dead inside her North Philadelphia home in late September.

Police later arrested her longtime partner, 46-year-old Melvin Rivera, and charged him with murder. Authorities have not publicly announced a motive.

The case appeared in the news just as Philadelphia organizations were preparing events for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

That timing is difficult to ignore.

We spend October talking about domestic violence as a national problem. But for someone, somewhere in America, it isn't a campaign or a statistic.

It is happening inside a house or apartment right now.

Domestic Violence Rarely Begins With the Worst Thing That Happens

One of the other stories highlighted this week focused on something that deserves more attention: recognizing when domestic violence is becoming increasingly dangerous.

Abuse isn't always obvious from outside a relationship.

It can involve controlling money, isolating someone from friends and family, constant monitoring, intimidation, threats, stalking, emotional abuse or creating an environment where one person is constantly afraid of the other.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes domestic violence as a pattern of behavior used by one partner to maintain power and control over another. Physical violence can be part of that pattern, but abuse can take other forms as well.

Philadelphia's Numbers Make This Hard to Dismiss

According to Philadelphia officials quoted by 6ABC, the city has recorded 37 domestic homicides so far this year and more than 10,000 reported domestic simple assaults.

Those numbers represent police reports.

Behind every number is a real household, a real relationship and often family members, children, friends and neighbors who are affected too.

"Everyone Knows Someone"

The National Network to End Domestic Violence chose an especially fitting message for Domestic Violence Awareness Month:

#Every1KnowsSome1

I think that may be the most important message this October.

Domestic violence isn't something that only happens to people living completely different lives from ours.

It can be the woman sitting beside us at work.

The mother waiting outside a school.

The neighbor who suddenly stopped coming outside.

The friend who keeps canceling plans.

Or someone in our own family who keeps saying that everything is fine.

My Take

As a woman in America, what bothers me most about stories like this is how normal everything can look from the outside until suddenly we're reading a headline and asking, “How did it get this far?”

Maybe that's the wrong question.

Maybe we should be asking sooner.

Is she afraid of him?

Has she suddenly disappeared from friends and family?

Does he control where she goes, who she talks to or how she spends money?

Does she constantly make excuses for his behavior?

None of those things automatically tells us what is happening inside somebody else's home. But they are reasons not to simply look away.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month shouldn't only be about wearing purple for a few weeks.

It should remind us to notice people.

To listen when someone finally says something.

And to stop treating violence inside a home as something that is somehow less serious because it happens behind a closed door.

Because sometimes the person who needs help isn't a stranger.

Sometimes she is someone we already know.

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Sources: 6ABC Philadelphia; National Network to End Domestic Violence; National Domestic Violence Hotline.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence in the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides confidential support at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), by texting START to 88788, or through TheHotline.org.